


Gnomenappers

by prucanada



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Action & Romance, Alternate Universe - Modern with Magic, Car Chases, Fluff, Kidnapping, Kinda, M/M, Pre-Relationship, TAZ Secret Santa 2017, mentions of blupcretia at the end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-24
Updated: 2017-12-24
Packaged: 2019-02-19 11:23:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,374
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13122711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prucanada/pseuds/prucanada
Summary: Merle, Taako, and Magnus are on the run from the authorities and they need a ride, quick!Also, they really should have checked their stolen car for occupants before they drove off with it.Written for aelita15 on Tumblr for the TAZ Secret Santa!





	Gnomenappers

**Author's Note:**

  * For [andy_allan_poe](https://archiveofourown.org/users/andy_allan_poe/gifts).



> Merry Christmas, aelita15! I hope you enjoy this fic as much as I enjoyed writing it!
> 
> Fun fact: I'd originally planned on this being about 2500 words, but instead it would up at 7300! Which is, I guess, not a TON of words, but it's definitely the longest one-shot I'VE ever written!!  
> Thank you so much to my amazing zucchini asexualrinmatsuoka for being my beta reader! 
> 
> Please enjoy!

The car careened down the street, narrowly avoiding a  pile of trash cans situated on the curb.

In the back seat, a dwarf with a full white beard peered out the back window, clinging tightly to the seats to keep from being flung toward the front of the car. "We've gotta ditch the ride! They've got our plates!" 

"Yeah but how will we get to Neverwinter without a car?!" In the front seat, a tall, solidly-built human was steering, doing his best to keep the car on the road and avoid any obstacles.

"Yeah, yeah, you're right there," said the elf beside him, "that's definitely way too far to walk. Guess we'll just have to steal someone else's car."

"What?! Steal?!" the dwarf shouted, turning his head and letting go of the seat with one hand. The human turned a corner at that exact moment and the dwarf's head was slammed into the door. "OW!"

"Sorry!" The human winced slightly into the rearview mirror.

"Oh, did I say 'steal'?" The elf, his feet propped up on the dashboard, casually examined his nails as the car made another sharp turn. "Sorry, I meant of course "borrow" someone else's car."

"Okay, cool, cool," the human said. "But where are we gonna ditch this car and pick up another one?"

"Maybe the gas station up ahead?" The elf pointed to a glowing Fantasy 7-Eleven sign a few blocks away.

The car sped up.

 

=================

 

The trio abandoned their car in an alley a short distance from the Fantasy 7-Eleven parking lot. Cautiously, they made their way from Point A to Point B, keeping an eye out for any suspicious individuals who might be out looking for them.

Once in the parking lot, they located a nice, speedy-looking car which happened to be unlocked with the key in the ignition. The car contained nothing of importance, as far as the three of them could tell, except for maybe the pile of blankets tossed haphazardly across one of the back seats.

The human glanced at the dwarf, who shrugged, then at the elf, who was already climbing in through the open window on the passenger's side. The human and the dwarf glanced at each other again, shrugged once more, and moved to get into the car themselves. 

"Okay, guys," said the human as they pulled out of the parking lot, this time obeying all the traffic laws, "Now we gotta play it cool. They'll probably find our car soon, but they'll have no idea where we went!" He grinned.

"Is everybody buckled up?" the dwarf asked concernedly from the backseat, carefully settling a nondescript leather bag at his feet. "Ooh, the seats are dwarf-friendly! That's nice!"

"Seatbelts are for plebs," said the elf, resuming his  relaxed position from earlier. "Just wake me up when we get to Neverwinter, yeah? Cool, okay. Good night." He pulled a glittery gold sleep mask from somewhere, positioned it over his eyes, and relaxed even further into the seat.

"Seatbelts are for safety!" the dwarf argued, folding his arms across his chest.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever, I'm sleepin' now, so shhhhhut the fuck up."

"We just gotta lay low, act natural! Should be in Neverwinter sometime tomorrow," the human said, and the three of them fell into a peaceful quiet.

 

==========

"We've been making great time! We should be able to make it to the conference in Neverwinter with time to spare!" said Davenport for the umpteenth time that day, lowering his custom driver's seat and climbing out of his shiny silver, nearly-new sports car. He yawned, stretching and popping his back. "Hmmm...Lucretia, I'm gonna take a nap for a bit, okay? Can you drive when you get back?"

"Oh, sure thing, Davenport," said Lucretia, who was shutting the passenger's side door. "Barry and I should only be a few minutes." 

"We could probably just stop for the night if you're really tired, y'know," said Barry, moving to follow Lucretia into the Fantasy 7-Eleven. "We still have plenty of time to get there."

Davenport shook his head and waved them in. "No need to stop for me. I'm perfectly fine sleeping in the back seat!"

Barry and Lucretia nodded and went into the convenience store, leaving Davenport to climb into the back seat.

Curling up into a small, cozy ball on one of the seats, Davenport grabbed the stack of blankets that had toppled over on the other seat and piled them on top of himself, effectively blocking out the bright lights of the store and muffling the sounds of other cars on the road. Cozy, and tired from the long drive, it didn't take him long at all to fall asleep.

 

==========

Some time later, Davenport began to awaken. The car was moving, he noticed, so obviously he'd been asleep long enough for his two human friends to return and resume their journey. Still feeling comfortable, he remained under the blankets for a few minutes more, listening to the faraway murmur of voices.

Wondering where they were now and what time it was, Davenport sat up, stretching his arms over his head. It was still dark out, he noted, though with his low-light vision it wasn't difficult to see anything. "Hmm, Lucretia, what--" he halted, blankets sliding off of him as he locked eyes with the dwarf sitting on the seat beside him.

They stared at each other for a few moments, both clearly shocked. "...Lucretia?" Davenport ventured, hoping his coworker would have an explanation, but not daring to look away from the dwarf, in case he tried something nefarious while Davenport's attention was elsewhere.

"Holy shit," said a high, oddly-accented voice Davenport had definitely never heard before, "we kidnapped a gnome, guys. Boy, we musta failed that perception check, huh?"

Davenport leapt straight up out of the blanket pile and whipped his head around to look at the interlopers. A tall, buff human with dark sideburns was sitting in the driver's seat, his head turned to gape at Davenport while still somehow keeping complete control over the car. Beside him, where Davenport would have expected to see Barry, there was instead a thin, angular elf with a wide-brimmed sun hat, a bedazzled sleep mask tugged down to hang around his neck.

"Who are you," Davenport shouted, panic setting in now that he'd confirmed neither of his friends were in the car, "and why did you steal my Starblaster?!"

The dwarf beside him blinked. "Starblaster?"

"Cool name," the human offered, turning back to the road. "You named your car Starblaster? That's really cool!"

"Who are you?!" Davenport repeated, stomping his foot on the seat and getting tangled in a blanket. He lurched forward with a yelp, and the dwarf caught him in his arms (one of which, Davenport noted amid the stress of the situation, was made of wood). 

"Whoa there, buddy!" The dwarf said, carefully righting Davenport and settling him back into the seat, "Now, there's no need to panic, okay? Everything's fine. We're just, uh, borrowing your, uh...Starblaster, didja say?"

Davenport scooted as far from the dwarf as he could, given their lack of space, pressing his back against the car door. "I highly doubt that," he said. "Now answer me! Why do you have my car?!"

"Chillax, my dude," said the elf, watching him warily in the rearview mirror. "We're not doin' anything, you know, bad. We needed a ride to Neverwinter, so we snagged yours. No big deal."

"Yes, it  _ is _ a big deal! You stole my car, and you stole  _ me _ !"

"That last part was an accident!" the human called over his shoulder. "Speaking of," he continued, glancing at the elf, "maybe we should drop this guy off somewhere?"

"Drop me off?! You're not taking my car and leaving me stranded in the middle of nowhere!"

"Yeah, uh, that wouldn't really be a good idea, Mags," the elf said. "He's seen our faces, he'd definitely go to the cops."

"You're damn right I'll go to the cops! Stealing's illegal!"

"We can bring him along!" the dwarf said. "He won't be too much trouble, and when we get to Neverwinter we won't even have to bother with contactin' the owner! 'Cause he's right here!" He smiled kindly at Davenport, who slapped a hand over his face. 

How was he going to get out of this? The car was going too fast for him to risk jumping out the door. His phone wasn't on him--he'd given it to Lucretia to hold on to at the start of their journey, so he wouldn't be distracted from his task. He had some spells he might be able to utilize, but they were all illusory spells and, not knowing how these three would react in any given situation, may be too chancey to risk.

He was going to have to travel with these thieves, then! So much for his pleasant road trip. Well, at least they were all heading to Neverwinter, and they didn't seem too bad. You know, for gnome-napping car thieves.

"Fine," he said with a grumble, settling into his seat properly. "I won't cause you trouble on the road, but once we get to Neverwinter, I won't make any promises!"

"Sounds good!" the human called. "Oh, I'm Magnus, by the way!"

"Are we really giving our real names to the hostage?" the elf asked, reaching up to pull his hat and sleep mask off for a moment.

"Hostage?!"

"Now, now, he's just kiddin', you're not a hostage!" the dwarf reached over and patted Davenport's shoulder with his wooden arm. "Oh, and I'm--Clark...Kent."

Davenport shot him a look. Really, did this dwarf think he was that dense?

The dwarf smiled sheepishly at him over his glasses. "Ha, yeah. Not my most convincing fib, huh? My real name is Clint McElroy."

"That name sounds even faker than the first!" The human, Magnus, said with a laugh.

"Oh, shut up!" The dwarf sounded cross, but Davenport saw him wink at Magnus. The dwarf turned back to Davenport. "My  _ real _ real name is Merle Highchurch." He held out his hand--the flesh hand--for Davenport to shake.

He did so, only a bit reluctantly. "Davenport."

Merle grinned at him, shaking his hand a bit harder than necessary. "Good to meet ya, Davenport!"

The elf in the front seat sighed, placing the hat on his head again and peering into the mirror to adjust it. "Well, since you're givin' this guy your real, actual names, guess I don't have a choice!" He met Davenport's gaze in the mirror. "I'm Taako. Y'know, from TV?"

Davenport blinked at him. "Er...no?" He squinted at Taako's face, trying to see if he recognized him from anywhere. "Am I...supposed to know you?"

Taako sighed again. "No accountin' for taste, I guess," he announced, then propped his feet up on the dashboard.

Davenport sucked in an angry breath. How dare that heathen place his feet of all things on the Starblaster's dashboard! It wasn't right! It was so,  _ so _ very wrong!

Before he could say anything, though, Merle tapped him on the shoulder.

Davenport turned to him.

"So," said Merle, cracking open a thick book, "have you ever heard the good word of Pan?"

 

==========

 

A couple of hours later, the shock and fear had worn off, and Davenport was surprised to find that he was actually feeling fairly comfortable with the three car-thieves. Or, at least, he didn't feel like his life was in danger anymore. And Merle had some pretty interesting stories, so at least he wasn't spending the trip in complete boredom, either.

"Did you really meet Jess the Beheader?" Davenport asked incredulously.

Merle nodded enthusiastically. "Oh, yeah, we had lotsa crazy adventures with ol' Jess. You a fan'a hers?"

"Oh, well. Not exactly. My friend, uh, Lucretia, used to gush about her a lot. Heh!" That was a bit of an understatement. Lucretia had had a huge crush on the Fantasy Pro Wrestler for a while and it had been difficult to get her to talk about anything else.

"Oh, Lucretia! She was the one you were travelin' with, right?" Merle shifted a bit to find a more comfortable position.

"Yeah. Lucretia and our friend Barry." He hoped they were doing okay. They were both pretty resourceful and could handle themselves just fine, but still. He worried.

"Oh, really? They sound nice! So, were you just on a road trip together, or what? Where were ya headed before all this happened?" Merle waved his hand around to emphasize the word "this."

"We were heading to Neverwinter, too. There's a conference at the IPRE we were hoping to attend this weekend."

"The IPRE?” Merle perked up a bit at the name. “Oh, that's that real sciencey place! The Institute--Institute for--"

"The Institute of Planar Research and Exploration, yeah. That one." Davenport smiled a bit.

"That place! Yeah, very cool. So you're all, uh, scientists, then?"

"Well, sort of. We all work at a research institute in Rockport, but Barry's the only actual scientist between us." While Davenport certainly had a healthy interest in new scientific findings, Barry was the one who was out there making those discoveries. Davenport much preferred his own job, honestly.

"So what do you do?" Merle seemed genuinely interested in Davenport and his answers, which he found he quite appreciated. Sure, Barry and Lucretia were good friends, and he always had nice conversations with them, but when was the last time he'd had such a conversation with someone  _ new _ ?

“Oh, me? My job? I’m, uh, actually a driver.”

“A driver?” Merle seemed surprised. “Now, how does a driver fit in at a scientific place like that? What do you drive? This thing?” He made a fluttery gesture with one hand, indicating the Starblaster. “Whaddaya drive for? Er, if ya don’t mind my askin’.”

Davenport chuckled quietly. “No, no, it’s perfectly fine, Merle. I actually--we have these, sort of, mobile labs? You know, places where the science happens while they’re in the field. Anyway, I drive that. I drive Barry and Lucretia and any other similarly-employed people to the necessary locations. It’s not a glamorous job, but I like it.”

Merle nodded slowly. “Huh,” he said. “Not what I would’ve expected of someone like you, but I suppose it suits ya, in a way.”

Davenport blinked at him. “...Someone like me? What do you mean by that?”

“Well, you seem like the kinda guy who likes a bit of danger. And, sure, you definitely like your car--ol’ Starblaster here--but...I dunno, really. You seem like you’d like somethin’ riskier than just drivin’ a van or somethin’.”

Davenport fidgeted, glancing up toward the front of the car, where Magnus and Taako were having a lively debate on whether or not socks with sandals were a fashion Do or Don’t. “...Well...I guess you’re right.” He looked back over at Merle, who was watching him intently. “I’d love to be a pilot, honestly, but...that’s not something with a lot of job opportunities, you know?”

“A pilot?!” Merle grinned, the edges of his beard pulling up. “Now, that’s more like it! I bet you could do it, if you put your mind to it!”

“It’s not that simple.” Davenport glanced away again, feeling a slight flush to his cheeks that he hoped Merle wouldn’t notice. He’d tried to get a job as a pilot years ago, before he’d joined his current career, before he’d met Barry and Lucretia. He hadn’t been skilled enough, apparently. The tasks were just more than he could handle, according to the potential employer. And it wasn’t as though he disliked his job! Far from it, in fact.

Davenport shook his head, turning a bit to meet Merle’s eyes again. “Well, enough about me,” he said quickly. “Why don’t you tell me about yourself, Merle? What do you do? Besides, er, you know--” he gazed pointedly at Magnus gripping the steering wheel, “--stealing cars and things.”

Merle laughed. “Yeah, this really isn’t a big part of our job, I swear! I mean, it’s not the first time it’s happened, but we don’t make a habit of stealin’ cars or anythin’, y’know.”

“Yes we do!” Taako cut in.

Merle flipped him the bird. Taako mirrored the gesture.

Turning back to Davenport, Merle continued, “Anyway! We may do illegal things sometimes, but it’s for a good cause!”

“Oh, really? And that cause would be…?”

“We’re--well, I guess you could call us ‘reclaimers.’ We take stuff from the bad guys--dangerous stuff, now, not just anythin’ sparkly that catches our eye,  _ Taako _ ,” Merle sent a glare at Taako in the rearview mirror, and Taako flipped him two birds. “So, we take dangerous stuff, stuff that the bad guys shouldn’t have, and we...well, dispose of it, I guess.” He reached down to the bag resting between his feet and patted it.

Davenport stared at him blankly. “...I’m sorry,” he said after a moment. “You what?!”

“We reclaim things! Like, y’know...massive weapons, or dangerous magical artifacts, that kinda thing.”

“Yeah, but it puts us on the wrong side of the law a  _ lot _ ,” Magnus put in from the driver’s seat. “‘Cause some of these things we nab are, kinda, like? Illegal to own and/or transport?” He shrugged.

“Okay,” Davenport said slowly, “So...what do you do with these things after you...reclaim them?”

“Depends,” Merle replied. “We give ‘em to the good guys sometimes, so they can make use of ‘em. Others we just destroy.”

“Too dangerous to be left in anyone’s hands,” Magnus said with a reverent tone.

“Uh. Hmm,” said Davenport. He glanced down at the bag Merle was guarding. “So, in that bag...that’s…”

“A reclaimed item.” Merle shifted his feet, obscuring the bag from view. “We’re takin’ it to Neverwinter to be destroyed. Don’t worry about it too much.”

“Uh-huh.” Davenport couldn’t help but wonder what, exactly, was in the bag. A rare, magical item of immense power, no doubt. Would it really be better off destroyed? Well, if it was as dangerous as they thought, then certainly it would be. But still….

“Gonna have to get gas soon,” Magnus announced.

“Oh! Maybe we should stop for the night, then?” asked Merle enthusiastically. “We’ve been drivin’ all day, and I would really appreciate a nice, soft bed to stretch out on.”

“You’ve only been driving for a few hours,” Davenport said, amused. The night had grown darker since he’d awoken, but it had been pretty dark when he and his friends had stopped at the Fantasy 7-Eleven, too, so he knew they hadn’t been in the car too long.

Merle scoffed at him. “I’m not talkin’ about drivin’ around in your Starblaster! I have had a very long day, Dav, in which I fought a bunch of very tall, very mean people--”

“You burned all your spell slots on Zone of Truth and swung your hammer, like, twice, my dude,” said Taako.

“--I had to run a long way on my stumpy little legs, I had to try not to die in a car chase, and then I had to steal a car, all while tryin’ to make sure this bag didn’t fall into the wrong hands!” Merle frowned at Davenport, who let out a small snort of laughter.

“Speaking of car chases,” Magnus said, “it looks like we’ve got company!”

Turning and hoisting himself up a bit to see out the back window, Davenport spotted what looked like several unmarked police cars picking up speed, heading right toward them. Two of them had their lights flashing.

“Uh,” he said, growing concerned. “Are you sure they’re after you?”

“Pretty sure, yeah!” Magnus was urging the car faster, catching up to the car ahead of them. “Get down, don’t let ‘em see your face!”

Davenport ducked back down and sat in the seat, now fully hidden from view. “But? Why are the police after you? Unless it’s just because you stole my car?” But that was probably way too many police cars just to pick up one stolen vehicle.

“Well,” Merle said, “it might be that. ...But it’s probably because we stole this from the cops.” He patted the bag again.

“You  _ what?! _ ” Davenport shouted, perhaps more loudly than necessary in the enclosed space. “You said you stole things from the bad guys, not the  _ police! _ ”

“And you think all cops are the good guys, huh?” Taako’s voice had gained a hard edge, and Davenport paused. “Those cops definitely ain’t the good guys, hon. They’re bullies, thieves, liars--murderers.” Taako’s shoulders were hunched, his back stiff.

The car was silent for a moment as Davenport processed this. He still wasn’t sure if he could completely trust these guys, but they seemed genuine enough. And it wasn’t as though Davenport wasn’t aware that cops could be corrupt. And...well, Merle didn’t really seem like the kind of guy who’d break the law just for fun, or for...whatever reason. Right? Right.

“Okay,” Davenport said quietly. “Sorry. I just--I’m more lawful than chaotic, you know?”

Magnus chuckled, continuing to speed up and weave through traffic. “Sure thing, buddy. No worries!”

“Magnus,” said Merle, “they’re gaining!”

“Right, I’m doing my best!” Another car had turned its lights on, and one of the first had started its siren. The police cars were gaining on them, but the traffic in front of them was thinning as other drivers pulled over to allow the police to pass.

A long stretch of road suddenly opened up in front of the Starblaster, and Magnus slammed his foot down on the gas, lurching forward.

“Wow, this car is fast!” he exclaimed, grinning.

“If you guys crash my car, you’d better pay to have her fixed!” Davenport shouted. 

“Mm, we’ll think about it,” said Taako, with a sly, sleepy grin. “Now everybody, hold onto your butts!”

“What? Why do we have to--” Davenport was cut off as Taako pulled an umbrella from somewhere and leaned out the window, pointing it behind them at the cars that were still racing toward them.

“Sorry, fellas, but it’s just business!” Taako called as a ball of flame shot out of the tip of the umbrella and blasted toward the lead police car.

Davenport jumped up, forgetting that he was supposed to remain hidden, and watched the scene unfold.

The car swerved in an attempt to dodge the fireball, careening into the next car in line and sending them both ramming into the divider. The flame hit the third car in the right front tire, and with a loud bang and a screech, it too crashed.

The rest of the cars behind them were forced to brake hard to avoid the same fate, and the Starblaster raced on unimpeded.

Taako ducked back into the car and tucked his umbrella away. “Well,” he said, “that takes care of that.”

Magnus and Merle cheered as Davenport dropped back into his seat. That was...terrifying, he supposed. He didn’t exactly like the idea of being caught in the middle of combat. Or the idea of being on the wrong side of the law.

And yet...it was exhilarating, in a way. He hadn’t even done anything other than watch, but he found the event to be more exciting than anything truly awful.

“...Davenport? Hey, Dav? ...You alright?”

Davenport started and looked up at Merle, who was leaning in to peer concernedly at hm. “Oh! Sorry, I guess I spaced out for a few seconds. Ha.” Davenport looked away, clearing his throat.

Merle’s lips twitched downward. “You sure you’re alright? You’re looking a little flushed.” He reached over and pressed his non-wooden hand to Davenport’s forehead, presumably to check for a fever.

Davenport let out a choked sound. “No, no, I’m fine! Just, uh, that fireball was pretty close, you know, and, whew, it sure was hot! Haha.”

“Hm.” Merle didn’t seem entirely convinced, but he withdrew from Davenport and settled back into his seat.

“Well, guys, looks like they found us again!” Magnus said, sounding more cheerful than his statement really called for. Now that they’d made it out of immediate danger and the traffic had become tighter again, he’d slowed the car down to a more acceptable speed. “Should we keep going, or find a place to leave Davenport and the Starblaster and find another way to Neverwinter?”

“No!” said Davenport, a bit louder than he’d intended. He paused for a second, then cleared his throat again, trying to appear nonchalant. “I, er, I mean--! ...If they know you have this car, and they’re looking for this car specifically, then if you leave me alone with it, won’t they just attack me, instead?”

After a moment, Merle said, “He’s right. We can’t just leave ‘im, not now that we’ve dragged ‘im into this mess. Right, Magnus?”

“Right,” Magnus agreed. “Besides, we’re only a couple hours out of Neverwinter now, yeah? May as well keep goin’!”

Taako hummed lightly, glancing into the rearview mirror and giving Merle a sly look. “I guess that  _ is _ the best course of action,” he said with a smug tone.

Merle flipped him off again, and they all fell into silence as Magnus drove on into the night.

 

==========

 

Davenport must have dozed off again, because when he came to, the sun was just beginning to rise over the distant hills, they had just passed a sign reading “NEVERWINTER - NEXT EXIT,” and Merle’s head was resting on his shoulder as the dwarf snored.

Davenport stiffened at the contact, then relaxed. Merle was a comforting weight on his shoulder, and he found he didn’t really mind it at all.

He glanced toward the front and noticed that Magnus and Taako had switched seats, the former slumbering in the passenger’s seat with his arm tucked, pillow-like, beneath his cheek.

“Oh, you’re awake, huh?” Taako said without turning around. “Almost to Neverwinter. You gonna need us to call anyone for ya when we go our separate ways?”

“Uh? Oh. Uh, no, I think I can find a payphone.” Davenport had just discovered that his arm was really starting to cramp up, and it would be  _ really _ nice if he could stretch it, but he also really didn’t want to wake Merle up with an ill-timed shift, but also it was  _ really _ starting to hurt, and--

“Mmph.” Merle sat up with a yawn and a stretch, and Davenport immediately began shaking his arm with great relief, despite the odd disappointment spreading through him at the loss of Merle’s weight. “Oh, sorry Dav, didn’t mean to use you as a pillow. Heh.”

“Oh, yeah, it was uh, no problem.”

“If you say so. Hey, wouldja look at that! We’re in Neverwinter!”

And so they were. They must have entered the city while Davenport had been distracted. He turned and gazed out the window, taking in the glimmering glass buildings and green, reaching trees of Neverwinter. In the distance, he could see the tall steel building which housed the IPRE.

He looked at Merle again. “So, um, where exactly are you going now that we’re here?”

“Well, we gotta meet someone, the person who destroys the magical artifacts and stuff. She should be waiting...oh, where was it? By the river, right Taako?”

“It’s never by the river, Merle,” Taako replied, taking them deeper into the city. “We’re meeting Lup in the fancy-shmancy science building. You know, the place your new friend was talking about last night?”

“The IPRE building? Really?” Davenport blinked in surprise. “Why there?”

“My sister works there,” Taako explained. He added fondly, “She’s a huge nerd, you know.”

“Oh yeah, I forgot.” Merle said cheerfully. He grinned at Davenport. “So it looks like you’ll get there in time for your convention thing after all, huh? Oh, uh, a shame your friends won’t be there, though.”

“Right.” Davenport shook his head. “So, this Lup--your sister--if she works at the IPRE and destroys all these dangerous artifacts and things, does she--is this a rogue thing, or...is this an IPRE-sanctioned mission?”

“Sometimes,” said Taako, and nothing else.

Davenport turned his attention to Merle again. “Do you work for the IPRE?”

“Uh,” said Merle. “Yeah, sometimes, I guess. I don’t really pay much attention to who hires us, though.”

“This is...not what I expected,” Davenport said slowly. They might not be truly part of the IPRE, but they still had more connections to the institute than he did. He’d definitely been kidnapped by the most...contradictory people he’d ever met.

“Well, what  _ did _ you expect?”

Davenport shrugged. “What do you think? A bunch of thugs who go around stealing flashy cars and kidnapping innocent bystanders. Not a...group dedicated to the eradication of evil and in the employment of the IPRE, that’s for sure. Of course, I still don’t have any actual proof that you are what you say you are, so.”

“Well, you’ll have some proof in a few minutes, just as soon as we get to Lup!” Merle reached over and patted Davenport’s shoulder, and Davenport leaned into his touch. Only slightly, of course.

They drove through the city of Neverwinter, the only sounds those of the engine and of Magnus, still snoring. Davenport’s attention flicked between the sights of the city outside and Merle beside him. Was it weird how comfortable Davenport felt with him? Was it strange that he wanted to spend more time with him, get to know him better?

Yeah, it was definitely strange, but that wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. Every relationship starts off as a chance encounter, after all. Right? This wild kidnapping-slash-car-chase adventure was just his and Merle’s chance encounter. Right? Yeah. 

When Merle looked out the window next, Davenport looked over at him again and smiled. Right.

 

==========

 

Close up, the IPRE building was even more impressive than it was from a distance. The towering steel structure seemed to be more artistic than functional, with curving beams and gleaming convex windows, but Davenport knew it was sturdy and scientifically-sound.

Taako parked the car in a side lot, then reached over and poked and prodded Magnus until the human awoke, sputtering and swinging a fist in his direction. Taako dodged the attack easily and pointed outside. “We’re here,” he said. “Get out and let’s go find Lup!”

“I got the bag!” Merle announced, grabbing the bag from the floorboard and sliding out the door.

Davenport followed suit, carefully climbing out of the Starblaster and shutting the door. He cleared his throat as Taako started toward the IPRE building’s door. “Excuse me,” he called, “My keys?”

Taako stopped in his trackx and stared down at him. “Dude,” he said incredulously, “you’re short as hell!”

Davenport simply sighed and held his hand out. “My keys?” he repeated. 

Taako grinned, a glint appearing in his eyes. He held the keys above his head. “Here ya go, lil’ Davvy,” he said teasingly, jingling the keys. “Come an’ get ‘em!”

“Aw, Taako, now that’s uncalled for!” said Merle, coming around to their side of the car. “Give ‘im back his keys so he can go on his way!”

“I  _ am _ giving them back,” said Taako. He jingled them again. “He just won’t come get them!”

Davenport stared impassively at Taako. As a gnome, he was, unfortunately, quite used to such taunts from members of the taller races.

Merle moved forward and placed his wooden hand on Davenport’s shoulder. He, also, stared at Taako.

For a moment, the two of them simply stood there, expressions and stances unchanging. Then Taako gave one last laugh and tossed the keys to Davenport, who caught them, fumbling.

“I’m just goofin’ on ya, kid,” Taako said with a wink, then turned to head into the building through the door Magnus was holding open.

Merle snickered. “Taako’s a riot, ain’t he?”

“Uh. Sure, Merle.” Davenport pocketed his keys.

Merle squeezed Davenports shoulder before (reluctantly? Davenport thought it seemed a little reluctant, but maybe he was just projecting, who knew) dropping his arm to his side. He was quiet for a moment. Then, “Well! I guess you’ll be wanting to be on your way, huh? It was--well, it was real nice meetin’ ya, Dav!”

“Oh, yeah--you too, Merle.” Davenport turned to face him, lips pursed in thought. He opened his mouth to say something.

“H-hey, get away from him, you--you gnome-napper!” 

Davenport and Merle both spun toward the voice. Two figures were hurrying toward them, both humans, one a pudgy, pale man, the other a lean, dark woman, carrying a long white staff in one hand. Davenport grinned as he recognized them.

“Barry!” he said, rushing to them. “And Lucretia! How did you guys find me?!”

Barry picked him up in a big bearhug. “Davenport! You’re not dead!”

“Did you forget that you had me program your phone so you could track where each of your five cars were at all times in case something like this ever happened?” Lucretia asked as she caught up to them, only slightly out of breath.

“Oh. I, uh, I actually did. Yeah.” Davenport took his phone from her outstretched hand.

“So, Dav, are these the friends you were telling me about?”

Barry set Davenport down and glared at Merle. “What? Davenport, you’ve been chatting with the guy who kidnapped you?!” He squinted. “...Or are you, uh, some kinda rescuer…?”

“No, no I kidnapped him!” Merle was still smiling. He held out his hand. “Merle Highchurch, at your service.”

Barry squinted harder.

“It’s okay, guys, it was just a misunderstanding,” Davenport explained.

“...So they...mistook your car for their own…?” Lucretia asked, arching an eyebrow at him.

“Well, no, they definitely stole the Starblaster, but they didn’t know I was in there at the time. Also, they’re not bad guys. Probably. So don’t worry about it. Merle and I are...friends.” He smiled at Merle, who beamed back at him.

“Hm,” said Barry.

“I see,” said Lucretia, though she didn’t sound like she really did.

“Yo, Merle!” Magnus hollered from the IPRE door. “You gonna bring that bag or what? Lup’s ready for you!”

“Oh, shoot, I gotta go!” Merle waved to Barry and Lucretia, turned to look at Davenport again. “Again, real nice to meet ya, Dav. Maybe I’ll see ya around again.”

“Er--yeah. ...Yeah, same to you, Merle.” Davenport watched as Merle headed for the open door, the bag swinging from one arm. 

“...You like him, don’t you?” Barry sounded highly amused.

“Well--he’s a nice guy, Barry! W-what’s wrong with that?”

“Nothin’, nothin’! Just...maybe you should give him your number or somethin’. Chat ‘im up later.” Barry winked at Davenport as he twisted around to frown at him. Lucretia stifled a giggle.

“I-it’s probably best to just leave him be, for now,” said Davenport. “He’s busy! And the whole thing was just a really weird few hours, I’m sure he’ll be glad to get rid of me, ya know?” He glanced down at his feet.

There was a scuffling noise behind him. A choked “Hey!” followed by a  _ thud _ . Footsteps running on pavement. Davenport looked over his shoulder to see Merle laying on his back, the bag gone. Two people in dark hoodies were running toward an unmarked police car with a deep gouge along one side. One of the people had Merle’s bag swinging from their arm.

Davenport’s feet were moving before he knew what he was doing. “Merle!” he cried, throwing himself on the ground beside him. “Are you alright?!”

“Yeah, just--just my back! No worries, Dav.” Merle’s face was contorted with pain, but he managed to sit up. He gasped. “The bag--Dav! You’ve gotta get the bag!” He gripped the front of Davenport’s jacket in one fist. “They can’t take the artifact! It’s too dangerous!”

“O-okay, but you’re sure you’re alright?!”

“Yes, I’m fine, just--get the bag, _ please _ !” Merle released him from his grasp, wincing at the pain in his back.

“I--yeah okay, just don’t move too much, yeah?” Davenport stood and looked toward those who’d knocked Merle to the ground. One of them had already made it to the police car, while the other one--the one with the bag--wasn’t quite there yet.

Lucretia had her staff clasped in front of her, lips moving as she murmured some spell--but it wouldn’t make it in time, whatever she was preparing wasn’t going to be fast enough to catch them. 

Barry was standing beside her, flipping through the pages of a spellbook--no, neither of them would be any help here.

It was up to him.

Taking a deep breath, Davenport moved toward the car, hand out as he sorted through the spells he knew--what could he possibly use to stop them?!

Luckily, as is the nature of this fic, he didn’t have to find out because someone lobbed a big ol’ fireball directly at the car, and the person holding the bag was thrown back in the resulting small explosion, the bag itself hitting the pavement and rolling several feet, closer to Lucretia and Barry, who had been startled out of their spell preparations.

Davenport averted his attention to the doorway of the IPRE building, expecting to see Taako and his umbrella, but instead was faced with a nearly-identical Taako clone with a sleek wand in her outstretched hand. 

This must be Lup, Davenport decided. Satisfied, he knelt by Merle again. “I think your friend’s got it taken care of,” he said, holding out a hand. “Can you stand?”

“I’m fine, I’m fine,” said Merle, getting to his feet without much trouble. “I fight baddies for a living, Dav, it was just a little bruise! Don’t make such a fuss.”

“You blew your last spell slot on a healing spell so your new boyfriend wouldn’t worry, huh Merle?” Taako was suddenly there.

“No! I did not. I’m a tough young dwarf, that’s all!”

There was another, even smaller explosion behind them, more a  _ pop _ than a  _ boom _ .

“Got ‘em!” called a voice Davenport hadn’t heard before. Grateful for an excuse to shift his attention to something other than Taako’s words and his own reddening cheeks, he looked toward the car and saw probably-Lup standing over the two criminals, who were dazed but still, thankfully, very much alive.

Lucretia had picked up the bag that rolled to her feet. Now, she carried it over to Merle. “Um. This was yours. Correct?”

Merle took it. “Oh, thank you so much, Lucinda!”

“It’s Lucretia.”

“Right, right.” He handed the bag back to her. “Would you mind taking that over to my dear friend Lup? She’s the very pretty lady over there who just whupped those guys’ butts.”

“Oh. Um, alright.” Lucretia took the bag back and carried it over to definitely-Lup, Barry trailing along behind her. Davenport looked at Merle again. “Um.”

“Hm?”

“Bye,” said Taako, moving toward the IPRE building again and leaving the two of them alone.

Davenport looked at Merle.

Merle looked at Davenport.

“So,” said Davenport.

“Yes?” said Merle, looking at him expectantly.

“...Sorry I wasn’t much help with your, er, mission.”

“Ohh, don’t worry about that! You were just kinda dragged along for the ride, y’know?”

“Yeah. I guess so. I, uh, as strange as it is to admit it, I actually...enjoyed myself. I think.”

“Y’did, huh?” Merle laughed. “Well, that’s good to hear! See, I knew you were the kinda guy who liked a little danger!” He elbowed Davenport’s arm, eyes crinkling as his smile widened.

Davenport couldn’t help but smile back. “Well, I guess you weren’t wrong,” he admitted. “I wouldn’t mind doing something like that again. ...Just not, you know, every day.”

“Ha! Well, who would? I mean, we don’t even do this kinda thing every  _ month _ , y’know?”

“Ah, good thing. It definitely seems like the kind of thing that’s only really good in moderation.”

“Heh. Well, you’re right there.”

“Yeah….”

They trailed off into an awkward silence. 

Merle seemed to be waiting for Davenport to say something more, but Davenport couldn’t quite form the words correctly. He couldn’t decide what, exactly, he wanted to say, and the longer he thought, the more time went by, the more anxious Merle seemed.

After a few moments, Merle broke the silence. “Well, I ah, I guess now...really is the time to say goodbye, huh?”

“O-oh, yeah, I guess it is.” Davenport frowned.

“...Right. Well, ah, take care’a yourself and the ol’ Starblaster, will ya?” Merle’s smile didn’t quite meet his eyes, but he turned too quickly for Davenport to really notice any more than that.

He let Merle walk a few dozen feet away before he finally realized what he wanted to say and called, “Wait, Merle!”

Merle faced him immediately. “Yeah?” he asked, face hopeful.

Davenport closed the distance between them. “I wanna see you again,” he said quickly. “I mean--I like you. I think--I want to get to know you? Better?” He tugged lightly on his mustache. “That is, would you like to, er, see me again?”

“Would I!” Merle exclaimed, wrapping an arm around Davenport’s shoulders and pulling him in for a quick side-hug. “You bet I would! Here, your friend gave you your phone back, right? Lemme give you my number--”

 

==========

 

Later that day, as Davenport and his co-workers were driving the Starblaster to the hotel they’d booked for the weekend, he did his best to catch them up on the events they’d missed out on.

“--so we basically barricaded the highway with a bunch of cop cars, you see, and made our getaway. It was an amazing show, really, you would have loved it, Barry!”

“I dunno. I got anxiety, man, I’d probably have a panic attack or somethin’ just from the fireball.” Barry shook his head. “I really don’t know how you always end up in such crazy situations, Dav.”

“This is literally the only crazy situation I’ve been involved in in my whole life, Barry,” Davenport deadpanned.

“He’s right,” said Lucretia from the passenger’s seat. “Of the three of us, Davenport has the second most boring life.”

“Hey, your life’s not that boring, Lucretia, I bet his is more boring than yours.”

“Oh, it most definitely is,” she said. “I have the absolute least boring life of the three of you.”

“Uh,” said Barry. “I beg to differ?” He held up his phone. “I totally got that cute elf’s number. I’m gonna text her later and see if she wants to hang out tomorrow.”

Davenport snickered. “Yeah, like you could get past the awkward stammering phase of your little crush in any less than twenty years.”

“Oh shush, Dav, I saw how you were acting with that dwarf. Merle, right? I bet you blushed more than I did talking to Lup.”

“No,” said Lucretia, “You definitely blushed more than Davenport did. No contest. Anyway--” she pulled out her own phone. “I got her number, too. Guess we’ve both got a date tomorrow.”

“Oh.” Barry frowned at his phone. “...Well, I guess I’d rather share a girlfriend with you than with, like, Davenport or someone.”

“Thanks, Barry,” said Davenport. “I wouldn’t share a boyfriend with you, either, so I guess that’s mutual. Anyway, I guess we’ll all be seeing a lot more of those guys in the future, huh?”

“Guess so!” said Barry. “Who woulda thought you gettin’ kidnapped would nab all of us hot dates? You’re like the ultimate wingman.”

“Speaking of wings,” said Davenport with a smile. “Did you hear the IPRE’s hiring a couple of pilots right now? I think I’m gonna apply.”

“What?! You mean you might end up working for the IPRE?” Barry sounded shocked.

Lucretia nodded. “It’s only fitting. Davenport, you’d make an excellent pilot. I hope you get the job.”

“Thanks, guys. You know, I hear they have several other positions open right now, too. Maybe you two should check it out, see if there’s anything you’re up for.”

“You know, Davenport, I think I might just do that.”

As they pulled into their hotel parking lot, Davenport’s phone began to buzz. Quickly, he parked the car and answered the phone. “Hi, Merle,” he said, smiling.

Yeah, things were definitely going to be more exciting from now on.

**Author's Note:**

> And there we have it! Thank you so much for reading!
> 
> blupcretia wasn't actually requested by my giftee and I apologize if it's something unwanted, but I love blupcretia so much and I couldn't bear NOT adding in a little hint of it.  
> Also, this plot was recycled from an RP I was planning with a friend, back in my Hetalia days. The RP never saw the light of day, but I really wanted to use the idea for something, and this fic gave me the perfect chance to do so!!
> 
> I'm thinking about going back and rewriting this as a longer, more in-depth multichap fic at some point, but I don't have the time or the energy to do so at the moment, so! Look for that in the future, I guess, haha!
> 
> Anyway, thanks again for reading! Please leave a comment down below if you enjoyed it! Happy holidays, everybody!


End file.
